I just woke up this morning with a heavy need to burst into tears. For no apparent reason, I feel lonelier than I have in quite a long time. Nothing’s really going wrong with my life at the moment, though. The job’s streaming in some decent income; I’ve been entangled with one of the most kind-hearted girls I’ve ever met, and life doesn’t seem to be half as bad as the bill made it out to be. Despite my presumably sane state of mind, I feel empty.
Maybe it’s to do with loving someone immensely, but being away from her for the good part of six months. It might also be the fact that my professional future is still undetermined, or maybe the fact that I’m just me.
Nevertheless, I feel really hateful today. I’d comfortably beat someone unconscious or talk them out of their own stupidity. I’d also jump off a building or push the trigger of any firearm in my direction. But I lack the guts to take the final step, the killing blow. For some reason, I still believe in living and the torture and heartbreak it brings. For some reason I still hope everything will turn out just fine, that love will endure and that that money will suffice.
I believe in you, the happiness you bring me, and I’ll try to forget the times you carelessly break my heart. I’ll do all this because I believe in something more, I believe in insanity, at least until I man up and dive to death.
Maybe it’s to do with loving someone immensely, but being away from her for the good part of six months. It might also be the fact that my professional future is still undetermined, or maybe the fact that I’m just me.
Nevertheless, I feel really hateful today. I’d comfortably beat someone unconscious or talk them out of their own stupidity. I’d also jump off a building or push the trigger of any firearm in my direction. But I lack the guts to take the final step, the killing blow. For some reason, I still believe in living and the torture and heartbreak it brings. For some reason I still hope everything will turn out just fine, that love will endure and that that money will suffice.
I believe in you, the happiness you bring me, and I’ll try to forget the times you carelessly break my heart. I’ll do all this because I believe in something more, I believe in insanity, at least until I man up and dive to death.
1 comment:
Isn´t it odd that sometimes we wake up in the mornings feeling alive and kicking for no aparent reason... and then other mornings we came with the age old quesion "what the hell am I doing here?!"
Suddenly you feel small and useless, as if the tremendous effort you´ve put into your life doens´t mean jack - you don´t know where you´re going, you don´t know where you want to go and you don´t know how the hell to get there -
WORSE: you don´t believe in yourself enough to get where it is you´re supposed to be getting.
Sound familiar?
Honey I wish I could say something to make you feel differently but the only thing I know to ring true is that tomorrow is another day and when you least expect it, you wake up feeling differently again.
Get drunk, go on a shopping spree, find your favourite desert and dunk in: It might not fix things, you may not even feel all that better but you´ll remember what you love about life and that you´re still in control of it.
Here comes the cheesy part: Things have a way of working themselves. Hell knows how! But life has a way of turning things around to the point where you feel like the luckiest guy on the planet... so wait for it. Ironic isn´t it? That we fight for our individualism and then there are days where we feel like we´re photocopies of an age old mould.
I´m only sorry i´m so far away - although I´m on the complete opposite side of the see-saw, I could use a drink with a tjommie!
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