MALE VALUES - PART 2

I just got back from surgery. They managed to stick back the part of my crotch that had gone missing. The nurse that treated me got so enthusiastic with the size of Philly’s Willy that she offered to finally give me a blowjob. Unfortunately it just wasn’t my day. She suffocated on the flake I had strapped around my pole and fell into a coma. What about that? The last thing a woman sees before falling into a coma is the one thing she seeks all her life for. Of course not all women like penis. Just like me some want kant. That one little detail is enough to make any lesbian my best friend. In fact, the next time I meet a lesbian, I’m going to invite her and her girlfriend out for dinner. I won’t get the blowjob I’ve always wanted, but I’ll get something more valuable: a pussy cocktail!

The other day I went to the beach. There’s nothing more soothing than sand, the sound of the ocean and semi-naked women. It’s vital for any man to choose a strategical spot where he can see either a topless blonde, a topless brunette, an underless blonde or an underless brunette. If you fail to do so, just lie down next to the best looking girl there. Secondly, and most importantly, look at her, make your presence felt then simply walk up to her and lie… Try telling her you’re Canadian, that’ll get her attention. After you apologise about a hundred times for Celine Dion and Bryan Adams she’ll smile, that’s when you lie again and say you’re a surfer. Chicks love dudes and waves. Then you ask her out to dinner or as dinner. If she says no, you obviously asked her for her number – big mistake – women control you, you never control women.

Instead of studying for my exams I sat around writing this chapter of Male Values. Every man is like this. When he has to study he either counts the hours to the soccer match, pulls wire, looks at Hustler magazine and pulls wire or takes a dump. Everything in a man’s life involves his body. He uses it, abuses it, and finally has trouble getting an erection at 50. Women prefer to exercise their minds. The less sex they have the more they study. Not even a virgin’s 5 speed vibrator her granny gave her gets any use, all because she has to think about her future. Everyone knows that sex is the best way of assuring your future. Take Sir Isaac Newton for instance. If he hadn’t been playing around the apple tree with Eve he would never have discovered gravity. Or Benjamin Franklin, if he hadn’t been doing the maid on his roof, his iron cast condom would never have been struck by lightning. Everything happens for a reason, and sex is in all of them.
I shot my best friend today. Yes, that one, the anti-vulture clan leader. Finally I’ll be able to talk to that friend of mine, the innocent girl in my class. Everything’s so silent. I stare at her and hold her hand. Suddenly the unexpected happens. Music starts playing and she starts dancing. I quickly remember that I have to study for my exam. I run home, sit down, grab my book and then… I pull wire.