MALE VALUES - PART 3

I love chess. Everything about it. The sound of ivory on wood, the endless mind games and the sight of drooling half-blind bald soviets who haven’t had any in years. The worst part of chess is the world championships. In this competition, Kasparov is chess’ Michael Jordan. The guy is unbeatable and as such the biggest faggot around. Why you ask me? Let’s face it. How would you feel if a dude said “checkmate” to you every 5 seconds? Just imagine, you against the champ, every time you hear that you get under the table and check his mate. Now that’s scary. I heard he’s playing against computers now. Talk about short circuit. I only play against girls. I stink at the sport but they don’t, so every time she says the magic word I slide on down and try to be a good boy…
Golf is another underachieving sport. How dumb can a game be? You whack a ball 500 times and only then do you manage to get the hole. I know that some guys get an eagle, that’s when you knock the ball and get it in the hole about 100 metres away. I admire that, but let’s face it. You only get “it” in first time once in your life.
Most people don’t know this but I’m half Portuguese and as such I often wonder what foreigners actually know about the country. I’d guess they know the soccer team. That’s probably as far as it goes… If you ask a girl about Portugal she’ll say: “Cristiano Ronaldo is from there!” As a matter of fact Ronaldo was born on the same island as me – Madeira. The sad thing is that he gets all the gals, all the money and all the fame. I’m famous for being dumb, I count cents ‘til the end of the month and my gal is my right hand. I can see the resemblance… The other half of me is South African, and with that I inherited the love for braais, biltong, pap en vleis, boerewors rolls, fast cars and of course, Rugby! Now that’s a manly sport. Nothing like soccer. The okies in rugby put their bodies in the line every week. They get smashed, stepped on, kicked, punched and in the end they all look like trash. Even so, they all manage to date South Africa’s best. Most of them look worse than Freddy Kruger and still they get to sympathise with former Miss Universe’. I obviously ended up with the worst of both worlds.
Once I dated a girl. Yes, I had to make this crucial decision after I got shot in the leg by Mr. Smith for raping chickens on his poultry farm. It always seemed to remind me of KFC. As I was saying, I dated the girl for the good part of 3 years. I had ups and downs, a lot of ins and outs, and for once I was happy. I liked her. Maybe I loved her. But none of it mattered because under the sheets the girl was a tiger. Finally she broke up with me and is now living with one of the biggest nerds I have ever seen. But he’s a good nerd, ‘cause he’s a rich nerd. That’s what makes all the difference. If I were a rich nerd she’d probably be with me still. If I were a rich nerd I’d have girls lining up to be with me. If I were rich I’d have had oral sex by now. And if I were rich I’d ban music and bring my best friend from the dead. That way no girl would be able to ruin friendships. We would never have to tell them how beautiful they are and how much we need them. We would never have to say how much we’ve missed them and we would never ever have to say we love them, and how we always will.

MALE VALUES - PART 2

I just got back from surgery. They managed to stick back the part of my crotch that had gone missing. The nurse that treated me got so enthusiastic with the size of Philly’s Willy that she offered to finally give me a blowjob. Unfortunately it just wasn’t my day. She suffocated on the flake I had strapped around my pole and fell into a coma. What about that? The last thing a woman sees before falling into a coma is the one thing she seeks all her life for. Of course not all women like penis. Just like me some want kant. That one little detail is enough to make any lesbian my best friend. In fact, the next time I meet a lesbian, I’m going to invite her and her girlfriend out for dinner. I won’t get the blowjob I’ve always wanted, but I’ll get something more valuable: a pussy cocktail!

The other day I went to the beach. There’s nothing more soothing than sand, the sound of the ocean and semi-naked women. It’s vital for any man to choose a strategical spot where he can see either a topless blonde, a topless brunette, an underless blonde or an underless brunette. If you fail to do so, just lie down next to the best looking girl there. Secondly, and most importantly, look at her, make your presence felt then simply walk up to her and lie… Try telling her you’re Canadian, that’ll get her attention. After you apologise about a hundred times for Celine Dion and Bryan Adams she’ll smile, that’s when you lie again and say you’re a surfer. Chicks love dudes and waves. Then you ask her out to dinner or as dinner. If she says no, you obviously asked her for her number – big mistake – women control you, you never control women.

Instead of studying for my exams I sat around writing this chapter of Male Values. Every man is like this. When he has to study he either counts the hours to the soccer match, pulls wire, looks at Hustler magazine and pulls wire or takes a dump. Everything in a man’s life involves his body. He uses it, abuses it, and finally has trouble getting an erection at 50. Women prefer to exercise their minds. The less sex they have the more they study. Not even a virgin’s 5 speed vibrator her granny gave her gets any use, all because she has to think about her future. Everyone knows that sex is the best way of assuring your future. Take Sir Isaac Newton for instance. If he hadn’t been playing around the apple tree with Eve he would never have discovered gravity. Or Benjamin Franklin, if he hadn’t been doing the maid on his roof, his iron cast condom would never have been struck by lightning. Everything happens for a reason, and sex is in all of them.
I shot my best friend today. Yes, that one, the anti-vulture clan leader. Finally I’ll be able to talk to that friend of mine, the innocent girl in my class. Everything’s so silent. I stare at her and hold her hand. Suddenly the unexpected happens. Music starts playing and she starts dancing. I quickly remember that I have to study for my exam. I run home, sit down, grab my book and then… I pull wire.

MALE VALUES - PART 1

To me, going to a disco is pretty much like shopping for groceries. You pick the best looking veggies and fruit which have to be just ripe and firm. Same goes for girls. Men are the simplest beings ever created. As soon as we get unleashed into a small space with flashing lights, our primitive instincts come into play. When it comes to snooping out for girls no man is an amateur. I’ve been out there with the best of them and apparently all it takes are a couple of words to make her feel like checking your mate. I think there should be a law that makes women have to have sex with you if they’re wearing a skirt or one of those blouses that let you see each breast in detail. If such a law existed, no man would have to go through a day without having his share of Gina. Women seem to crave your desire, even if they don’t want you. It’s like if your pleasure made her accumulate desire into one big orgasm, with someone else.
Don’t you just hate it when the girl you like loves someone else? Man! That’s a major bummer! You just feel like smacking the bastard silly and feeding his balls to the pigs! Even so, the worst is when the okie is your best friend. I know I shouldn’t be so resentful, but why is it that he only hits on the girls I dated that were foxes? Why didn’t he go for the vultures? Why is he so picky? What’s so unhorny about girls with a bigger moustache than mine? I’m sure she could shave it off! (including her oversized pubes, of course…) I’ve noticed that most guys are reluctant to have intercourse with virgins. In a way I understand why. A woman’s first time is said to be painful, therefore men don’t want to be associated with that single moment of unpleasant pleasure. Then again, it can’t be worse then her period, which means we can always give the slut another reason to wish she were a guy!
A friend of mine says he’d choose any brunette over any blonde. I’m not fussy. I like both. But I must say blondes are great! Let’s take 2 for instance: Jenna Jameson and Silvia Saint. Both are blondes, both have better bodies than any girl you’ll ever dream of dating, and at 35 we’ll still be jerking off thinking of them. It takes simple maths. If 100 men buy a copy of “Jenna goes Saint” and milks his prostate twice a day, we’ll have 100 happier men on Earth. No man buys brown haired porn star tapes! Therefore: Brunettes good, blondes better.
Have you ever had a blowjob? I’ve been wanting one since I was 12. But nooo! They say it’s “disgusting”. Can you believe that? Almost every girl lets you bang her in the ass, in the ears, in the nose, but they won’t let you do it in their mouth? Once I tried disguising my package as an ice cream, you know, Strawberry and Vanilla flavours on your balls, a flake on your winky and you top it all up with whipped cream. A true masterpiece! Unfortunately the urge to suck quickly turned into the need to bite. Now my monster is on a miserable scale of 25cm. I’ll never forget the 15 she bit off…
To finish the first set of thoughts I’ll be publishing on my blog, I would like to refer to someone special. Every man has a friend from the opposite sex. A girl that’s a friend but not a girlfriend. You only see her as such and you accept her as only that. All until the dreadful day she gets introduced to… music. After seeing the way that baby moves her hips, all your moral values about friendship fade away faster then you can say Indiana Jones and the Temple of Poon. You start wanting her bad! You dream about her. You might even wet your pants. You propose, but once again you get dumped. Why? Ask your best friend.