I love chess. Everything about it. The sound of ivory on wood, the endless mind games and the sight of drooling half-blind bald soviets who haven’t had any in years. The worst part of chess is the world championships. In this competition, Kasparov is chess’ Michael Jordan. The guy is unbeatable and as such the biggest faggot around. Why you ask me? Let’s face it. How would you feel if a dude said “checkmate” to you every 5 seconds? Just imagine, you against the champ, every time you hear that you get under the table and check his mate. Now that’s scary. I heard he’s playing against computers now. Talk about short circuit. I only play against girls. I stink at the sport but they don’t, so every time she says the magic word I slide on down and try to be a good boy…
Golf is another underachieving sport. How dumb can a game be? You whack a ball 500 times and only then do you manage to get the hole. I know that some guys get an eagle, that’s when you knock the ball and get it in the hole about 100 metres away. I admire that, but let’s face it. You only get “it” in first time once in your life.
Most people don’t know this but I’m half Portuguese and as such I often wonder what foreigners actually know about the country. I’d guess they know the soccer team. That’s probably as far as it goes… If you ask a girl about Portugal she’ll say: “Cristiano Ronaldo is from there!” As a matter of fact Ronaldo was born on the same island as me – Madeira. The sad thing is that he gets all the gals, all the money and all the fame. I’m famous for being dumb, I count cents ‘til the end of the month and my gal is my right hand. I can see the resemblance… The other half of me is South African, and with that I inherited the love for braais, biltong, pap en vleis, boerewors rolls, fast cars and of course, Rugby! Now that’s a manly sport. Nothing like soccer. The okies in rugby put their bodies in the line every week. They get smashed, stepped on, kicked, punched and in the end they all look like trash. Even so, they all manage to date South Africa’s best. Most of them look worse than Freddy Kruger and still they get to sympathise with former Miss Universe’. I obviously ended up with the worst of both worlds.
Once I dated a girl. Yes, I had to make this crucial decision after I got shot in the leg by Mr. Smith for raping chickens on his poultry farm. It always seemed to remind me of KFC. As I was saying, I dated the girl for the good part of 3 years. I had ups and downs, a lot of ins and outs, and for once I was happy. I liked her. Maybe I loved her. But none of it mattered because under the sheets the girl was a tiger. Finally she broke up with me and is now living with one of the biggest nerds I have ever seen. But he’s a good nerd, ‘cause he’s a rich nerd. That’s what makes all the difference. If I were a rich nerd she’d probably be with me still. If I were a rich nerd I’d have girls lining up to be with me. If I were rich I’d have had oral sex by now. And if I were rich I’d ban music and bring my best friend from the dead. That way no girl would be able to ruin friendships. We would never have to tell them how beautiful they are and how much we need them. We would never have to say how much we’ve missed them and we would never ever have to say we love them, and how we always will.
Golf is another underachieving sport. How dumb can a game be? You whack a ball 500 times and only then do you manage to get the hole. I know that some guys get an eagle, that’s when you knock the ball and get it in the hole about 100 metres away. I admire that, but let’s face it. You only get “it” in first time once in your life.
Most people don’t know this but I’m half Portuguese and as such I often wonder what foreigners actually know about the country. I’d guess they know the soccer team. That’s probably as far as it goes… If you ask a girl about Portugal she’ll say: “Cristiano Ronaldo is from there!” As a matter of fact Ronaldo was born on the same island as me – Madeira. The sad thing is that he gets all the gals, all the money and all the fame. I’m famous for being dumb, I count cents ‘til the end of the month and my gal is my right hand. I can see the resemblance… The other half of me is South African, and with that I inherited the love for braais, biltong, pap en vleis, boerewors rolls, fast cars and of course, Rugby! Now that’s a manly sport. Nothing like soccer. The okies in rugby put their bodies in the line every week. They get smashed, stepped on, kicked, punched and in the end they all look like trash. Even so, they all manage to date South Africa’s best. Most of them look worse than Freddy Kruger and still they get to sympathise with former Miss Universe’. I obviously ended up with the worst of both worlds.
Once I dated a girl. Yes, I had to make this crucial decision after I got shot in the leg by Mr. Smith for raping chickens on his poultry farm. It always seemed to remind me of KFC. As I was saying, I dated the girl for the good part of 3 years. I had ups and downs, a lot of ins and outs, and for once I was happy. I liked her. Maybe I loved her. But none of it mattered because under the sheets the girl was a tiger. Finally she broke up with me and is now living with one of the biggest nerds I have ever seen. But he’s a good nerd, ‘cause he’s a rich nerd. That’s what makes all the difference. If I were a rich nerd she’d probably be with me still. If I were a rich nerd I’d have girls lining up to be with me. If I were rich I’d have had oral sex by now. And if I were rich I’d ban music and bring my best friend from the dead. That way no girl would be able to ruin friendships. We would never have to tell them how beautiful they are and how much we need them. We would never have to say how much we’ve missed them and we would never ever have to say we love them, and how we always will.
